Where is the line between education and denunciation: should children learn to complain about their parents and manipulate the law

The modern world has changed significantly, and not only in politics or economics. Even a generation ago, parental authority was inviolable, and the family was built on a clear hierarchy, where the adult’s word had little weight. Today, the opposite process is taking place, when children receive more and more rights and freedoms, while parents increasingly find themselves in the role of accused. The modern child protection system was created with the best of intentions, but at the same time it opened Pandora’s box. Parents who try to set boundaries run the risk of not only displeasing their son or daughter, but also face legal consequences. Yes, children deserve protection from any manifestations of violence, but should we raise them to believe that even the smallest family conflicts should be a reason to report their own parents to law enforcement officers?

What do the statistics say?

According to the Office of the General Prosecutor of Ukraine, as of 2024 there were registered 8,185 criminal offenses related to domestic violence, affecting more than 5,000 people, most of whom are women and children. This is a record number of domestic violence cases, which has increased by 80% compared to last year.

Article 126-1 on domestic violence was first added to the Criminal Code of Ukraine in December 2017. And it entered into force in January 2019. The first cases under this article appeared in the reports of the General Prosecutor’s Office three months later.

There were a total of 10,351 domestic violence cases fixed in Ukraine over the past five years:

• 2019 – 1,068 cases;
• 2020 – 2,213 cases;
• 2021 – 2,432 cases;
• 2022 – 1,498 cases;
• 2023 – 2,705 cases.

The level of increase in the number of cases may indicate not so much the deterioration of the situation as the fact that such cases have begun to be actively considered by law enforcement agencies. It is quite clear that a child who grows up in fear of his own parents has no chance of a normal future. The idea that the family is an inviolable space in which you can do whatever you want is out of date. Social services, law enforcement and schools should have the power to intervene if there is a real threat to a child’s health or life.

Protecting children from violence should not just be a right on paper, but a duty of society. Stories of parents beating, humiliating and abusing their children are a terrifying reality that cannot be turned away from. The law must act fast and hard, not waiting for a tragedy to make headlines. But what to do when the same laws begin to be used against parents who simply want to raise a child to be a responsible person?

How the police became the arbiter of children’s whims

Now, in foreign countries, a child who has been banned from doing something or made a remark is quite realistically able to write a statement to the police about “cruel treatment” or “psychological pressure.” At the same time, society immediately rushes to take her side, without even understanding the essence of the conflict. We observe how permissiveness turns into a mechanism of influence every day, which children learn to use almost from diapers. This, at first glance, problem of education has already become a real social phenomenon, which is gradually changing the dynamics of family relations in Ukraine and may have unpredictable consequences in the future.

Recently, one of the typical for many foreign countries cases happened in the city of Mount Pleasant in the USA, when a child called the police about a missing ice cream. The American boy, returning home, did not find his favorite ice cream in the refrigerator. It turned out that his mother ate the treats, deciding that the child was already getting enough sweets. It would seem like an ordinary situation, familiar to everyone: parents control the child’s diet, and children get upset over small things. But in this case, the boy decided that such “injustice” could be a reason to call the police. The policemen who received the call did not ignore it. They arrived at the family, listened to the mother’s explanation and bought the child a new ice cream.

At first glance, the story looks like a funny anecdote, but it actually reflects a deeper problem. Instead of explaining to the child that such calls are abuse of emergency services, the law enforcement officers actually supported her manipulative behavior. The child received a clear signal that if the parents do something that you do not like, you can simply turn to the authorities and they will take your side.

Again, in the USA, the father decided to teach a lesson to an “unruly” teenager, because he misbehaves at school, and made remarks to the boy. And this guy, still a child in appearance, but already with an emphasis on rights, replies: “Just try to touch me – I’ll call the police, and they’ll put you in jail.” And this is exactly the case when he is not bluffing.

The father of a teenage girl does not allow her to go out late because it is dangerous. To which he receives a threat from his daughter to call the police and accuse his father of molestation. And although the truth is on the father’s side in “free” America, where human rights often become a double-edged sword, such parents can begin to be dragged through the courts, and for serious charges they can be given a real term. With this approach, it is increasingly difficult to understand who is actually the victim and who is the aggressor.

All these cases embody manifestations of a broad trend when children use legal mechanisms created for their protection as a means of manipulation. If even the issue of ice cream becomes a reason for police intervention, then in the future nothing will prevent the child from using the same “effective” tactics to obtain more serious advantages over the parents.

Today, in many countries, the child protection mechanism has turned into a system where any disciplinary measure can be presented as violence. One call from a child is enough, and parents are already seen as potential criminals. Social services, frightened by high-profile cases, sometimes react automatically without understanding the details. And here comes a moment when, instead of protection, the child gets absolute power over the parents, knowing that any dissatisfaction can be turned into an official accusation.

Children’s rights, which have become a tool of manipulation in foreign countries

Not so long ago, the concept of “child’s rights” was associated with the fight against violence, exploitation and abuse. However, in today’s world, this term increasingly means something completely different: the absolute power of children over their parents and the right to do whatever they want without any consequences.

Western countries, which were the first to take a course to protect children at the state level, are today reaping the fruits of their own policies. In Great Britain, Sweden, Norway, Canada and the USA, parents are increasingly being investigated for routine parenting measures that were considered the norm 20-30 years ago.

In many European countries, even raising your voice at a child can be considered as “psychological violence”. There is no question of physical punishment. For example, in Sweden there is an absolute ban on any physical influence. A child may call social services because of a scream or a harsh remark.

In Norway, there is a “Barnevarn” system, a social service that has such broad powers that parents are afraid to even look at their child. Many migrant families have already lost their children simply because they raised them in a traditional way without knowing the local laws. At the same time, laws have been adopted in France that equate some common parenting methods with domestic violence.

In Canada, there was a recent case when a 12-year-old boy called the police because his mother asked him to wash the dishes. Social services investigated, and although the parents were not punished, this case proved how easily a child can use the law to their advantage.

Consequently, the rights of the child in many countries have turned into a way to avoid any responsibilities. Children quickly learn that the law is on their side. Refusing to buy a toy or not being allowed to go out late at night can lead to a call to the human rights hotline. A simple complaint by a schoolchild that his parents forced him to clean his room or limited access to a smartphone can result in a visit from social services, and sometimes even in the removal of the child from the family.

These children are brought up in a world where the boundaries between freedom and permissiveness are blurred. They see that there is no punishment for them, and any demand of the parents can be contested with the help of “rights”. As a result, we get a generation that grows up without any responsibilities, but with a full set of levers to pressure adults.

Is such education correct?

The approach, when society is ready to unconditionally take the side of the child, even in small matters, creates a generation that does not learn to resolve conflicts, but gets used to getting what it wants through pressure. If even ice cream becomes a reason to call the police, where is the guarantee that tomorrow the child will not accuse his parents of “psychological violence” simply because he was forced to do homework?

This approach to education does not make children more responsible or independent. On the contrary, he forms the belief that parents do not have the right to set any boundaries, and any dissatisfaction can be resolved with the help of outside adults who will “judge” the conflict. Instead of teaching children to respect their parents and negotiate, society encourages them to use the law in their own interests. When a child learns to get what he wants through pressure and manipulation, it does not disappear with age. Such a person enters adult life with a sense of absolute impunity, and society receives a new type of citizen – corrupt, selfish and incapable of compromise. As a result, not only the individual family is destroyed, but also the very structure of society. Parental authority is leveled, and the responsibility for raising children is gradually transferred from the family to the state, which, as practice shows, is not capable of instilling love, respect, or discipline. If society does not stop the development of the syndrome of permissiveness among children, then very soon the word “parenthood” will become synonymous with fear, and upbringing will become a risk that will have to be answered in court.

Unlike countries where a child can complain to his parents for forcing him to study or help around the house, Ukrainian families still value upbringing that prepares the child for real life, and not for the role of a “king” who gets everything without effort. Ukrainian children learn from childhood that parents are not enemies, but those who wish them well. They are not “servants” or “sponsors”, but people who invest time, energy, knowledge and love in them. Children know that the word of their mother and father carries weight, and disputes are not resolved by blackmail and manipulation.

In healthy families, children can express their opinions, but know that their parents have more experience and a better understanding of what is good for them. In the Ukrainian model of education, it is important not just to say “yes” or “no”, but to explain the decision. Another principle that prevents Ukrainian children from growing up corrupt is responsibility. A child knows from an early age: there are rights, but there are also responsibilities.  If you want a new gadget, show that you study well and deserve it. If you want your parents to fulfill your wishes, first show respect and help in the family.

Ukrainian children are involved in family affairs from an early age: they help around the house, take care of the younger ones, support their parents. This is not “exploitation”, as Western psychologists might say, but real preparation for adult life. Because no one in the real world will run after an adult, fulfilling all his whims. Without a doubt, children should know and be able to protect their rights if they are really violated in dysfunctional families. However, in ordinary families, the real protection of the child is not in the norms of the law, which can be used against the parents, but in the atmosphere of trust in the family. In them, children know that they can turn to their parents with any problem, and they will be listened to and helped, not dismissed.

When a child grows up in love and support, he will not look for ways to manipulate adults, because he simply does not need it, because in his family everyone fulfills their role and understands each other. Obviously, no matter what western psychologists claim, no matter what ideas are instilled in our society, the Ukrainian approach to education is not an outdated model, but a way to raise strong, intelligent and responsible people with healthy family values. And if we preserve it, we will get a future in which children do not fight with their parents, but build strong families and a full-fledged society together with them.