I survived the war before the war

291 thousand statements and reports about domestic violence came to the National Police of Ukraine in 2023.

For article about domestic violence 3,622 criminal proceedings were opened. This is almost twice as much as in 2022. The number of cases of gender-based violence is constantly increasing. Today, in the face of a full-scale invasion, we often wonder: what is the time now, except for war? The figures of sad statistics about domestic violence show that this problem is now acutely relevant.

Journalist Oleksandra Maksimenko spoke with the heroine, who went from a victim of violence to a psychologist who helps offended women.

“Love is not about control, love is not about jealousy, not about forcing sex. And power over a person is not about love.” – Maryna Kh., 37 years old, mother of three children.

How does this usually happen? First, humiliation, comparison with others, ridicule. That’s exactly what happened to Maryna, contempt for personality, friends, hobbies. Even volunteering, which she was engaged in, the man considered a matter from which a woman benefits. A constant state of emotional swings. First, “you put the spoon in the wrong place”, and then a bouquet and a confession of love. The woman admits that she justified such behavior, because “who does not have a bad mood.” However, when she answered the offender with the same words, she felt guilty. Then, she says, she realized: “He deserves it, but I don’t deserve to feel this way.”

• Violence is not only physical, but also psychological – humiliation, manipulation, blackmail, contempt, insults, etc. (Law “On Prevention and Combating Domestic Violence”, Article 1)

“He could lock me up at home, wouldn’t let me and my son go to Kyiv for the international exhibition of universities. He stopped right in front of the train and wouldn’t let me.”

Added to this was financial violence, the same swing, only different words. One day he can say that he himself earns normally, and another:  “if you want to buy something, go and work.”

• Financial violence – restrictions on employment opportunities, prohibition to study or work, obstruction of access to food, housing, property, prohibition to use one’s own funds as you see fit (explanation of the Nezlamna Psychological Center).

“There was always a scandal for the purchased sausage, not at the price that suited me.”

It was not without beatings.

In such “relationship” the woman spent 17 years with rare moments of joy when he showed love on an emotional swing.

It is not for nothing that they say that everything begins with childhood. A girl from a dysfunctional family, where there was also violence, wanted to escape from the family circle as soon as possible. That’s how Marina got to her first husband, whom she now calls a “light” abuser. What did such a person do? She drank, let loose and took all the money from the house, and the heroine was left to starve with the child. She could not tolerate it for a long time. She returned to her mother, but there was no peace in her parents’ house either. She has a child in her arms, so something had to be decided.

“At that moment, choosing him was the best decision. He was making money, he had a house, there was no need to worry about what I will eat tomorrow.”

In these words, Marina describes how she reconciled with her second husband.

Now the woman understands that “bells” tyranny was there from the first days of the relationship. For example, when he was drunk, he behaved rudely with other people. One of the demonstrative situations when the abuser wanted to test Marina’s patience. The girl was only 19 years old, he called her to celebrate the New Year in another city, with her sister’s family. It would seem that what could be bad in celebrating with loved ones? A lonely, well-dressed girl was waiting at the station, only 40 minutes later a man came with a slow step. In his defense he said: “Girls came to me there, I had to send them away, those with whom I had sex before”. He just ignored her all the rest of the evening. And the sister’s house reminded the woman of the conditions in which her parents lived. The impressions were terrible.

The heroine says that she was very offended then. And he, realizing that he would be abandoned, began to assure her that he had never cheated on her. Now the woman laughs and does not believe. Although then, she says, she believed because she thought she loved him.

“If you weren’t spoon-fed love as a child, you’ll learn to lick that love off your hand.”

The man treated the woman’s family with contempt, saying, remember what family you are from. But as soon as the heroine pointed to the rapist’s sister, who also lived in unsanitary conditions, he “boiled”. Accustomed to the fact that a woman cannot object to a man.

Marina considers it a mistake that she did not tell anyone about what was happening because of shame. And the problem of our society – tolerance to violence and the habit of “not getting into someone else’s family” – was also hinted at. This is what happened in this story. Brothers and friends felt and saw that the woman was suffering from domestic violence, but they were afraid to destroy the relationship. Marina recalls a case when a friend came to visit and after that she asked if her husband was beating her. Probably, anxiety and fear could be read on the face. However, the heroine was still lucky with loved ones, her friend constantly protected her. The brothers helped financially and with moving. There was also a woman in Marina’s life who sheltered the heroine and her children when they decided to run away from the abuser. Maryna’s savior at one time also experienced domestic violence, so she understood her condition well. Marina is very grateful for this support.

For help, victims of domestic violence should contact the police at line 102, ext “hot lines” social and psychological support, find a temporary round-the-clock shelter in the crisis response room.

“If you see violence, you cannot be silent about it!”

Society condemns you, you are afraid that there will be nowhere to go, you will not be able to provide for yourself and your children, you are not sure of yourself – Marina’s story shows that there is a way out of the closed circle, although the path to it is thorny. There were still enough problems, despite the court won and the ban on approaching Marina. The husband did not pay alimony, he did not provide the children’s beds when Marina moved. The heroine hoped that her husband’s sister would be able to reach him, but the answer was: “Get up from the sofa yourself, and put the children down.” With the beginning of the war, the trial ended, and the heroine left with her children.

Psychotherapy became a salvation for the victim. Marina studied psychology from the age of 17, because she wanted to understand why she was in pain, but because of self-doubt, she chose a different specialty. Marina gained her first experience with psychology at the age of 30, but even with that, everything was not so easy. Professionals who had not experienced domestic violence could not fully understand the offended woman. Marina found “her” psychotherapist only on the third try, and it was she who gave the heroine a healthy perspective on the situation.

Now, in the conversation, Marina laughs and advises to rename the abuser to something that does not bind. None “my ex” or names. Emphasizes that if you decide to leave, be as tough as possible, because the abuser can manipulate. And after you forgive, the abuse will get worse.

These are all tips from her own experience. When Marina left, she found an apartment and a remote job. And the offender at this time became, as the heroine says, a “soft cat” and for various reasons tried to get to her new apartment. One day it happened, the woman is happy that a friend came to her that day. After all, the offender beat her. He also tried to make her guilty, pushed her with the words: “Look how hysterical she is.”

Now Marina works as a psychotherapist and helps girls like her. She says that her life has turned out well, now she has become healthier and more beautiful. There are also new relationships. They are, Marina emphasizes, with an empathic person and most importantly with “man”. 

“As paradoxical as it sounds, I feel much better now despite the dangers and stress of war. It’s better than if I stayed with him. I actually survived the war before the war.”

Argues that girls in abusive relationships shouldn’t be afraid that there’s a war around them and they’re going to leave. Without violence, even in worse conditions, they will feel better. And those who are planning a relationship or have just started dating are advised to take their time and get to know the person more deeply.

“I finally understood why all this trash was needed in my life. So that I could become who I am now and help as many people as possible.”

Oleksandra Maksimenko also visited a charitable organization in Dnipro, which helps women find their profession and solve economic problems.

Olena Kucheruk, coordinator “She is Hub Dnipro” says:

The Hub has been operating for the second year in order to help women who are in difficult life circumstances. However, this is only one link, one of the components of the great work carried out by UNFPA in this field. The Hub helps women gain confidence, including economic confidence, find a job, learn a new profession, and supports them at a certain stage.

• UNFPA is an agency of the United Nations in Population, which focuses its work in the areas of gender equality, reproductive health and youth capacity building.

Olena says that very often people apply for work and only during the interview it is found out that they suffer from domestic violence. In particular, from a psychological point of view, when a woman is spoken to “you’re not capable of anything, you can’t do anything without me”. Economic, when parents do not give money for education or “I’m crying – I’ll choose the direction of education for you”. There are such cases, they are not as complicated as physical and sexual violence, but they destroy the personality just as much. There are very few people in the hub who are in a state of crisis after physical and sexual violence. After all, first you have to overcome the consequences of what they experienced. And when they have coped with it, they return with a desire to work, and apply for help in employment.

The organization constantly holds career events on various topics. For example, how to create a resume and where to submit it to find a job. There are also practical workshops where women are told how to organize self-employment. If you know how to do something with your hands, then it can be turned into an income.

The first results of the successful operation of the hub appeared already in the first year of its existence. A girl who dreams of creating her own coffee shop, but she has no experience and is very afraid to start it, was placed on training in coffee shop management with hub partners.

The 22-year-old girl, without work experience, but in love with music, created a resume, and she got a job in a kindergarten as a music worker.

If you or your loved ones suffer from violence – seek help!

National hotline on prevention of domestic violence, human trafficking and gender discrimination.

0-800-500-335 is a free number from a mobile phone

116-123 – a short free number from a mobile phone

102 – call the police

0-800-213-103 – contact center of the free legal aid system

099-632-77-01 – the hotline of Mrs. Patronesa

YURFEM Free assistance to victims of sexual violence, as well as all types of gender discrimination. Call 068-145-55-90 (from Monday to Friday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.). You can write in Telegram, Viber, Signal, etc. Or fill out an application on the website.

Chatbot:

@police_helpbot – a chatbot created in cooperation with the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Ukraine, the KhNUVS and the National Police.

@LegalAidUkraineBot – providing legal advice by specialists of the free legal aid system.

@Non_Violence_Bot – legal aid against violence.

Oleksandr Maksymenko